Liverpool: Through the Eyes of an Awesome Person

Rating stuff in Liverpool. Places I actually go. Things I actually do.
Pink Wash. Pink/10

Pink Wash. Pink/10

Bodycare, St John’s

As a fairly directionless 20something I have had to learn frugal habits to make up for my lack of career, and therefore lack of cash. Part of this means that you learn a certain instinct for whether you sacrifice quality or money.

This is difficult to explain, but say I am looking for something to wear for an occassion, and I see two things. Option 1 costs £60, and is perfect in everyway. If I buy it I will have just enough money till payday, as long as I’m very very good. So, I keep looking. Option 2 is pretty much the same dress as option 1, but there’s a slight difference which isn’t as good. I’d rather be broke and have a perfect dress than have a tenner and an imperfect dress. Now imagine Option 2 is £20, for the sake of saving £40 I can deal with that slight difference.

What has this got to do with bodycare? Well I was in there, having a little browse, even though I had no money I could spend cos it was all fag budget, and saw nicotine gum for £1.19. This, it seemed, was the price point where I was willing to chew my nicotine instead of smoke it. When I finished the ten mayfair in my pocket (didn’t take too long) I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and found it alright.

Now I’m a chewaholic, to the point where I dream I’m chewing gum. But I’m saving loads of money, so it’s all cool, and I feel a bit warm and fuzzy about Bodycare over the whole thing.

9/10 smooochy kisses Bodycare!

Burgers: The Usual Suspects

Almost everyone buys a burger.  The convenience, no washing up to do and hardly a strain on the wallet is nothing but appealing. 

KFC almost always mess your order up, it’s like staffing the drive through is a hazing process before being allowed in the real club.  Colonel Sanders won’t let you on the regular till or within 2 foot of a paying customer unless you’ve learned how not to fuck up someone’s order big time in the drive through.

The quality of McDonald’s depends upon the branch you visit.  Kensington is a huge NO – staff are slow, the drive through should be renamed “stroll through” & the food is never up to scratch.  Edge Lane get the order right most of the time if you go inside, you’re taking your snacking life into your own hands if you risk the drive through, it’s generally messed up & of course you don’t realise until you get home, which leaves you livid but obviously you couldn’t be arsed going back.  City Centre McD’s are usually spot on.  A common theme in most McDonald’s is the female staff wearing WAY too much foundation, or fake tan, whichever.  There’s no need for THAT much make-up when you have a McJob.

Burger King I’ve never been a fan of and so can’t really comment.  The ads are too much and don’t appeal at all, Burger King Schmurger King.

Now Wimpy, I cherish the memories of sitting in the Wimpy train on Church Street munching away on a quarter pounder with cheese with Mr Wimpy immortalised in carpet form on the wall in front of me.  Sadly Wimpy Church Street is no more, and only Williamson Square remains in the City Centre.  Friendly staff, quick service, reasonable prices (though you do have to pay extra for a sachet of tomato ketchup) and conveniently located, what’s not to love.  Downside? Toilets downstairs don’t smell too hot.

KFC: 5/10

McDonalds: 6/10

Burger King: 0/10

Wimpy: 8/10

Edge Lane Car Wash

I never clean my car. It’s something I always mean to do but have probably only got around to doing about twice in the 5 years I’ve had it.  So popping into the super hand car wash on edge lane today seemed a good idea.  For ten of my hard earned pounds, they promised to clean my car inside & out, wax on wax off, vaccuum (I’d rather say hoover but they weren’t endorsing any particular brand) & give me a free air freshener.

I drove to the designated area & like vultures four of them swooped on me at once, sponges in hand, pressure washer on the go, then it was straight on to the vaccuuming’ where I was shown to a delicate seating area while they worked their magic.

The entire process took around ten minutes, which was ample time to buy & consume a can of red bull & quality street ‘my purple bar.’

All in all a quick experience where my car did indeed come out much cleaner.

8/10

In an exercise class

  • 1: Watch out or I'll take your boobs off!
  • 2: That wouldn't be such a bad thing
  • 1: Don't say that, I paid for mine
  • 2: *stares at 1's chest*

ASDA hitting back?

I was out on a little walkie when I saw an ASDA sign up ahead. Wasn’t that Netto last week? Since Kwik Save closed it’s been hard to keep up, it feels like it’s gone through piles of refits. It was too small to be an ASDA, I thought, but the sign was already up saying they were open and everything.

Actually, they weren’t open, but will be in about a week. Still, I was a bit confused about the size. Tesco comes in a range of sizes- Metro, Express, Extra, homeplus, regular, whatever else there is. But ASDA has only ever come in Large.

Not anymore, according to their site they’re turning Netto’s into smaller ASDA’s. Will this loosen Tesco’s stranglehold on Liverpool? There are 19 tesco’s within walking distance of my house, which frankly is quite ridiculous. It’s no wonder people feel a bit violent towards them, most of those stores have only popped up in the past 3 or 4 years. I’m not going to waffle on about how they’re killing small independent retailers, it’s just a bit bland.

Anyway according to the video it takes only 54 seconds to turn a Netto into an ASDA, but people have to move really fast.

6/10 chance it’ll be closed within a year.

Bootle Town Hall 
A few years back I did casual work in bars, or anywhere else that would pay me.  One thing I did was the bar at a wedding reception. It was great because there was a massive fight. Some woman turned up to have a go at the bride (she was after the groom- too late, love), and they had a bit of a rumble in the reception room. That, and the outfits kept me amused.  The other reason why I love this place is that it says “cum” on the outside.
9/10

Bootle Town Hall

A few years back I did casual work in bars, or anywhere else that would pay me. One thing I did was the bar at a wedding reception. It was great because there was a massive fight. Some woman turned up to have a go at the bride (she was after the groom- too late, love), and they had a bit of a rumble in the reception room. That, and the outfits kept me amused. The other reason why I love this place is that it says “cum” on the outside.

9/10

Walker Art Gallery

I love the Walker, I can be all arsey and highbrow OR I can giggle at the breastfeeding and sheep shagging paintings, depending on what mood I am in. 
And the Cafe is nice. 

8/10 - MOAR kids fiddling with sheep please

Walker Art Gallery

I love the Walker, I can be all arsey and highbrow OR I can giggle at the breastfeeding and sheep shagging paintings, depending on what mood I am in.
And the Cafe is nice.

8/10 - MOAR kids fiddling with sheep please

Toilets, Tesco Old Swan
I don’t expect much from supermarket toilets, except that they should always have paper. Afterall, there has never been an occasion where tesco has been all out of toilet roll. It would have to be a national incident.  Unfortunately I have been let down by these toilets in the past, when I failed to check paper levels prior to crucial moment.  This time I learnt from my mistake, and confirmed that the paper was there before dropping my knickers.  That point aside, the toilets are a little below average. The door is always jammed open, which I don’t much like, and it looks a bit grey and grubby. There’s some colourful board around the hand drier, to try and make it look like a happy place. It doesn’t work.  The highlight is the “botox animal tested” written on what looks like a piece of masking tape, on the back of one of the doors.  Its been there for a while now, even though it would be pretty easy to remove.  The fact that it is still there makes me question the cleaners dedication.  And the hand driers are shit.   4/10

Toilets, Tesco Old Swan

I don’t expect much from supermarket toilets, except that they should always have paper. Afterall, there has never been an occasion where tesco has been all out of toilet roll. It would have to be a national incident. Unfortunately I have been let down by these toilets in the past, when I failed to check paper levels prior to crucial moment. This time I learnt from my mistake, and confirmed that the paper was there before dropping my knickers. That point aside, the toilets are a little below average. The door is always jammed open, which I don’t much like, and it looks a bit grey and grubby. There’s some colourful board around the hand drier, to try and make it look like a happy place. It doesn’t work. The highlight is the “botox animal tested” written on what looks like a piece of masking tape, on the back of one of the doors. Its been there for a while now, even though it would be pretty easy to remove. The fact that it is still there makes me question the cleaners dedication. And the hand driers are shit. 4/10

Schmooze, Church Road

I stumbled upon Schmooze one thirsty afternoon as I couldn’t park near a bar on Allerton Road. Parking within 5 metres of a bar - straight away that’s a plus point. Once I discovered it’s conveniently located half way between mine & a friend’s house I’ve hardly left the place. This is probably not a reason for you to go, but you should anyway.

Schmooze has sexy lightbulbs, uber friendly staff & a Venetian ciccetti menu that everyone raves over (excluding me, I’ve never tasted it as I have a liking for the alcohol.)

There’s always paper in the ladies, which don’t smell of piss, and en route you pass the kitchen door so there’s always the possibility of catching a sneaky perv at a rather nice chef.

And if you ever fancy a night of swinging, Schmooze is the place for you. Swing band Dominic Halpin & the Honey B’s play once a month (Getting your keys out to stick in the bowl then weren’t you?? Don’t lie you big sleaze!!)

Basically, if you’re not a Schmoozer, you’re a loser.

Staff: 9.99998/10 
Venue: 9/10 (ideally could be closer)